Isn't it weird how life is never like you think it's going to be? I used to be proud of the fact that my parents were still married when all of the kids around me had divorced parents. Today, I wonder how I will ever be comfortable with my two new step-families and the fact that my brothers and sisters are being tossed around from one parent in California to the other in Colorado. And I also face the reality that I am now divorced, my sister is getting a divorce, and I have no idea how the rest of my siblings are going to turn out.
I was married for 3 1/2 years but was with him for a total of 7 years. Do you think the fact that I believed in him, trusted him implicitly protected me from the possibility of him cheating? It made a mockery of my trust, and my faith in him and our relationship. How do I ever feel trust in another person again? We had no children, but had started trying for a child. Initially it only made me feel bitter and hurt when people would tell me "at least you don't have kids!" Now I am so grateful for that. Not that I wouldn't have loved that child in spite of everything and him, but it would have been extremely difficult. I have a lot of respect for single mothers and fathers who are in that position. Can there even be any harder trial to overcome in life? I don't have to see or talk to my ex, I can go and do anything that I want to. I don't have the responsibility of providing for another human being.
There is a wonderful opportunity in divorce coined the "window of change" by E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly in their book For Better or For Worse. I like to think of myself as a combination of two patterns that people usually follow following divorce. Enhanced and Competent Loner. What that means is that I have used my divorce to give me a push in the right direction. A direction that includes finishing my Bachelor Degree in Interior Design, something that I "gave up" for my relationship and marriage. As well as traveling. I am going to Europe this summer for a month! And Competent Loner refers to my being ok with not having someone else in my life. I can be a whole, complete and happy person without a man. I respect myself. I'm not swearing off men or marriage, I'm just not relying on someone else to validate me as a human being, and not waiting around for someone else to make my life fulfilling.
My family on the other hand is a model of what parents should not do when deciding to pursue a divorce. If adults and parents would stop justifying their actions that the kids are going to be better off when the parents are happier, it would help matters immensely. No child, no matter what is going on between the parents, wants or understands divorce. It is just as hard for adult children, perhaps harder, because they can grasp what is going to happen in their lives.
Don't talk to your children about the details of what each parent is doing to each other. Don't move 3 states away from your ex and split up the kids into two different households. Don't get caught up in your wants and needs at the expense of what is best for your children. Don't let the step-parent think they have any authority to punish and manage the children. That is purely the job of the biological parent. The new husband or wife should stay on the outskirts of issues between the kids and the parent. They are just there to support the real parent, not parent the kids. But step-parents also have a real responsibility to help and foster their new step-children. Build a foundation for them to trust and respect you. Don't belittle or talk down about their real parent, no matter the circumstances of the divorce and the previous issues between the divorced couple.
Consider the impact your divorce will have on your children throughout their lives. Be sure to communicate to them what is happening and why, in a way they can understand and be reassured that it is not because of them. I don't know why I feel compelled to write all of this, but maybe someone will come across it, and feel better about what is happening in their own lives. Almost 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. It is something that almost everyone is touched by in some way. Their families, their friends, themselves. Our society is increasingly focused on individualism and what someone else can do for me. We are selfish.
To couples and children and families everywhere who are dealing with the reality of divorce, I recommend a few books and journals. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, by Judith Wallerstein, a little depressing but very important information. For Better or For Worse by E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, a little better as far as not being as depressing, and it gives great tools and advice for several scenarios dealing with divorce. Step-Wars, by Grace Gabe and Jean Lipman-Blumen, one of the few books addressing adult children in divorce and step-families. The CQ Researcher has some great articles in their magazine that can be referenced online, for free. Just do a search for divorce. Good luck and best wishes to everyone touched by divorce.
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