Lost or found?

I recently came across a blog that I somewhat went looking for. I didn't know I was searching for it until I found it, and once I did, I received a lot more knowledge and information than I really wanted. Now I can not help thinking about that blog every once in a while. Sort of haunting if I have to be poetic. OK, I do. I'm sure everyone has had the "what if" thoughts. What if I had taken that job, done that differently, bought that car, moved to that place, had a different childhood, been less selfish, been more carefree. What if. What if. What if. Life is full of "what ifs." I have made choices that I am totally comfortable with and others that give me hours of thoughtful agony. But then if I could go back, would I really have done anything differently? I would probably react the same way, have the same thoughts, feel the same feelings. Just because you want to go back and change something, doesn't mean that given that opportunity, you would behave any differently than you did the first time. 

Is there really only one defining moment? Or is it millions of moments that lead to the result? If I have piqued your curiosity sufficiently you are probably wondering what the blog had to do with me. I was searching for an old flame. One that was never really realized in any form except innocence and undying devotion written faithfully in letter form over two long years. He was a missionary that I fell in love with and cried over when he left my town. We corresponded for those two years while he was away and when he was free to go and pursue his own agenda he moved back to his home, which was far, far, away from mine. Phone tag, meetings arranged but never accomplished, and eventually infrequent conversations and letters led to both of us moving on with our lives, separately from each other. I got married. I got divorced. I finished college. I'm moving to a different country soon. 

I have always wondered what happened to that beautiful boy. Where he ended up. This blog showed me his whole world. Written faithfully by his wife, about her family. Photos of his life with her and his sons. Photos of how happy he must be... although it is from her perspective he looks very happy in the pictures. Camp-outs, family outings, family dinners, birthday cakes. The things that make life a little bit more beautiful. She looks happy. Tired, but happy. He looks older, more laugh lines and even a few wrinkles. I saw the young man that I fell in love with as well as the new person he has become. Would it be the same if we had been together? Would we have two boys with a daughter on the way? Would I be the same person she is, the housewife dutifully caring for the family while he works to support us? I don't think so. I have a high respect for women that stay home and raise and care for their children, it's a hard job. But I know that I am not the same person who I was back when I fell in love with this boy who came to my town and left just as suddenly. It still makes me wonder though. What if.